Daddy, Say Beep-Boop

Strangers are fascinating creatures. I mean, seriously— people-watching is totally a legitimate hobby. I’m drawn to observing my fellow humans around me as I’m out in public. It’s not creepy, okay? It’s fun. It’s harmless.

It only gets weird when you interact with them. But in general, that is when they are the most entertaining. And terrifying.

Matty and I had been wandering around the park by his house for a while, and because we’re such cool cats, we went to the playground for some good old-fashioned fun. No worries that we were teenagers, therefore way too old to be playing in the park, and could possibly be seen as hooligans, pedophiles, or both. No worries, man. Honestly, it should be a rule that everybody needs to enjoy a lovely afternoon on a playground every once in a while. Even hooligans and pedophiles need to invest some time in good, wholesome fun.

First, we hit up the swing sets to get warmed up. We knew what we were there for though. The swings were only the appetizer. We were ready to relive some childhood memories on the merry-go-round. Check that shit.

The merry-go-round had always been a popular item with us when we were younger; it was the most sought-out playground equipment amongst all us little ones growing up. We could easily remember clutching onto those bars for dear life, our bodies sliding off precariously (thanks to our good friend centrifugal force), as some other kid whipped us around with all his might.

After all, who doesn’t like getting spun around so fast until you want to puke your guts out? And since we were older, we had the strength to really get some speed. To really puke up some guts.

There were no words to describe our excitement at the prospect. 

As we approached the merry-go-round, we saw that it was occupied by a bunch of snot-nosed, sniveling, screeching children. Disgusting.

But instead of walking up to the group of kids and yelling at them to get the hell off our damn merry-go-round like we so desperately wanted to, we decided to take the more mature route and wait it out. Like adults. Since adults wait patiently for their turn on the merry-go-round.

So in order to bide our time, we meandered over to the mini-merry-go-round. It had its own set of perks. Since we were no longer tiny children with tiny child-size asses, it was difficult to fit on, which made the whole falling off feeling that much more intense. The visual appeal was also rather striking. A metal masterpiece, if I do say so myself. It looked like a clown and a bug and a spaceship and a demon all rolled into one stellar piece of playground equipment.

So friendly. So horrifying. So perfect.

Matty and I clambered up onto the spinning, demon clown-bug and started to get some high-quality momentum. I clung on as best I could in order to keep the majority of my ass on the metal bench as Matty kicked us along. Nothing could match this feeling; I was high off life.

And then I saw her.

A small, four-year old girl was rushing towards us at a dead sprint. I kid you not, a dead sprint. We slammed on the brakes, digging our heels into the woodchips at our feet so the metal arms of the demon-bug wouldn’t knock this tiny girl unconscious. And somehow, we skidded to a stop in time before she collided with us.

The whole point was to avoid the children, but fine, cute little girl, I guess we’ll spin you around with us. She instantly climbed on, and we started pushing again slowly. But after one turn around, she yelled at us, “Wait! My little sister wants to get on!”

The four-year-old motioned to the baby waddling along, making her way to the demon-bug. We watched, transfixed, while the girl helped her baby sister up.

We were not prepared to deal with extra-tiny nuggets. There was no way she’d be able to hold on. This was not cool.

We needed to leave.

Now.

But just as we were about to hop off and save our adrenaline rush for later, the girl spoke up again. “No! Don’t leave! My dad will push us!”

And lo and behold, there he was. Like a demon in the night, he had snuck up behind us from out of the shadows, and he started pushing us before we had a chance to get off.

We were trapped.

So there we were, two teenagers being spun around on the demon-bug by a grown-ass man. How were we going to get out of this one? Tell the dad to stop? No, then the little girl would be upset… Stop the damn thing? But the baby would totally fall off then… Just jump off and risk injury? No, no, no, no, NO! We couldn’t do anything except wait it out. We were stuck in this weird situation with these strangers, yet we didn’t think it could get any weirder until the girl piped up yet again.

“Daddy, say beep-boop.”

Wait… what?

Daddy, say beep-boop.

The father seemed unfazed, ignored his daughter, and continued spinning all four of us around. Matty’s eyes caught mine and I knew we were thinking the exact same thing: what the flying fuck is happening right now?

But she didn’t stop, and her high-pitched voice escalated in volume until she was screaming.

“Daddy, say beep-boop. Beep-boop! Say beep-boop, Daddy! Say it! Daddy! Say beep-boop! DADDY! DADDY! SAY BEEP-BOOP, DADDY! SAY BEEP-BOOP! SAY IT! BEEP-BOOP! BEEP-BOOP!”

Every few seconds she’d scream again, insisting that her father say beep-boop, and I was beginning to wonder why this little girl wouldn’t let it go and leave her poor father in peace when it happened.

I thought the little girl was going to piss herself she cracked up so hard.

“Again!” she yelled. And he obliged. The baby gurgled her approval, the girl kept screaming for her dad to continue saying “beep-boop”, and the dad continued stoically saying “beep-boop”.

Matty and I stared at each other from opposite sides of the merry-go-round, desperately trying to control our laughter at the situation we had found ourselves in. We whipped out our best (meaning not-so-good) poker faces, and when the dad wasn’t able to see our faces, we’d express our emotions appropriately.

Beep-boop.

Beep-boop.

BEEP-BOOP.

When he finally stopped spinning us around, no words were exchanged. Matty and I jumped off instantly and ran from the playground back to his house where we burst out laughing.

It was hilarious and horrifying, and those two words still haunt me to this day.

And you wonder why strangers both fascinate me and terrify me…